I have been preparing for the 2010 Frozen Otter for some time now. I don’t know if I’m ready, and I honestly don’t know if I ever could be. I’ve never gone 64 miles in one stretch, so I am not 100% sure I can do it. But, this is part of why I’m trying for it. I won’t know unless I give it my all and try.
I’ve been working out extra hard for the past few months. I’ve worked in a few intense 2-3 hour workouts. These usually happened on a Saturday. I’d run, walk or bike the 3 miles to the YMCA, go to spinning class for an hour, then to a high-intensity aerobics class, then run, walk or bike the 3 miles back home. I’ve also done a few long hikes (but not nearly as many as I’d have liked). One of these long hikes was a 32-mile overnight hike. I went with Melissa, who hiked the full 64 miles a few years ago. She is one of my inspirations. It was really cool to hike with her – we finished the 32 miles in just around 10 hours – which I thought was a pretty darn good time! Since there’s been snow, I’ve been on a few snowy hikes, but nothing too long. I think the longest one I’ve done was around 10 miles.
I have also visited with a sports therapist to try to find out why my knees seem to want to lock up on me. She found some muscle weaknesses around my knee and hips, so I’ve been doing exercises to try strengthening them. I don’t know that I’ve been doing them long enough to see any obvious results this weekend during the race, but I hope it helps even a little bit. If anything, hopefully I can continue to work on that and do even better next year.
During the past couple of weeks I’ve gone over lists on top of other lists of things I need to bring, what food I want to eat, what I’m going to want at the half-way point, time splits, music I want on my Shuffle, and how I’m going to keep myself in it mentally for 24 hours. Just today I spent the last hour and a half going over different time split scenarios. I hope to have it all in my head so I don’t have to think too hard and do too much math while I’m out there.
My mom and dad are coming down to act as my support crew. They’ll be there at the start and finish, and Adam will probably join them during the half-way mark. At that point, I’m going to really need them. I hope to have a warm, running car with a change of clothes and shoes, along with some warm, yummy food and maybe a hot coffee. I’m mostly looking forward to having them yell, “Get your ass moving!!!” when I complain that I’m tired and sore. I have to remember that resting longer will probably not make me feel much better. It’s going to hurt, and I’m not going to feel any more awake, so I might as well just keep going. I am SO glad my parents will be making it to push me and help me along the way. It will be nice to see Adam at the half-way point, too. He’s already offered to massage my calves or anything that might need a quick rub. That will be nice to look forward to, also. I just can’t get too comfortable or I’m going to want to stay there.
Tonight and tomorrow night I’ll be separating out my food and organizing my gear. It’s going to be strangely warm this year, compared to other years. We’re looking at 32 degrees as a high and 24 as a low overnight. I may not even need my snow pants! It’s going to be a completely different Frozen Otter this year -- compared to temps dipping well below zero the last few years. I might not have to worry about my water freezing this year, and this gives me an even better chance of finishing the 64 miles. I would say frozen water and dehydration as a result is one of the biggest risks during this race, or at least one of my biggest worries. I did okay last year – I only had one time when my mouth piece froze up a little bit, but I was able to get it going again after a lot of effort trying to pull water through the hose.
So from now until Saturday, I just need to stay mentally upbeat, get my gear and food in order, get Adam and my parents on track with the schedule, my time splits and what gear and food I’ll need at the half-way point. The half-way point is the only time they can support me with a resupply of gear or food. The rest of the time that they’re around they can only cheer me on.
The biggest challenge right now is to stay calm. Whenever I start to really think about it, I get really excited and my adrenaline kicks in. I can feel it taking up precious energy. I get butterflies in my stomach and I get all jittery. I need to try to keep myself calm so I can funnel that energy how I need to. I need to save all I can!
My goals for this year’s Frozen Otter:
Goal 1: Beat my 32-mile time from last year and finish with at least 40 miles.
Goal 2: Finish 64 miles
Goal 3: Finish 64 miles in 24 hours
The first year I did the Frozen Otter I finished 32 miles in 15 hours. At the time there wasn’t a “Half” division, but I wouldn’t have finished in the 12 allotted hours, anyway. The second year, I finished the 32 miles in 11 hours and 57 minutes. I JUST made it. Last year, I cut about another half-hour off of that time. So this year, I hope to cut more off the first 32 so I have some to spare on the second half. I will only quit if something breaks… I don’t necessarily mean just bones… but my knees or my mind, for example. My mind is the one thing I think I’ve got in control, and I hope that I can use that to take over any physical problems that might come up.
Off I go! Pray for me and wish me luck! :)
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
I had a moment...
I’m reading a book called, “Born to Run” by Christopher McDougall (thanks SO much, Will!!). I’m half-way through and it’s giving me an overall “feel” for what a human body is capable of. This book talks a lot about ultrarunners that go for hundreds of miles on foot, running, and really focuses on a tribe called the Tarahumara that live deep in the Copper Canyons of Mexico and are able to cover distances running that we can’t even imagine. There have been a lot of quotes in that book that have stuck in my mind and actually are coming into play while I prepare for the Frozen Otter.
Last night in spinning class I had a moment, and I think I have to give “Born to Run” the credit for it. I was pushing myself as hard as I could, pedalling away on one really tough series of hill sprints. I remember tilting my head up towards the ceiling with my eyes closed, panting, with sweat dripping off my chin in an almost constant stream. Laura, our spinning instructor, told us to “up” our resistance. It was the 10th turn on the reistance knob, and we still had two more to go. I felt like the pedals were just going to stop, yet I was determined to keep my rpms at about 75. That’s when I silently said to myself, “GOD this is HARD!!!” I tensed up my body, scrunched my face as if I were in the worst pain of my life and kept pushing… and struggling. I didn’t know if I could keep going.
That’s when I opened my eyes, looked down and suddenly remembered a part from that book. It talks about how ultrarunners hit a point of pure fatigue, and one racer said she embraces that moment with all she has. She taught herself to love it. There’s no beating it, so you may as well embrace and love it. If you can’t love that moment, then why the hell would you be racing like that? I instantly connected with that. I knew that feeling!
I focused on my breathing and imagined my heart beating big and strong and my blood pumping through my veins smooth and clean and then said to myself, “This body is truly amazing. This is what it was made to do. Look at what it’s doing! Look how efficient it’s running! It’s incredible!” I got a huge surge of energy, smiled, looked straight ahead and pumped my legs harder. I got a great sense of energy for those last two resistance turns. It felt easier!!
On previous Frozen Otter races, I got to a point where my body felt like it was done. I remember actually talking to my legs as I hiked up a steep hill, “Come on, legs, we can do this!!” It was like my body was shutting down and my mind was taking over. I was addicted after that. I loved having to make that switch from “mind and body” to “mind over body.” The body itself can take you so far, but if you don’t have the mindset to get past that, you’ll be done and won’t be able to go any more. Once you get your mind to push past it, your body will follow.
I think this "moment" pushed me a lot closer, mentally, to feeling ready for that race. I’m looking forward to that fatigue and pain -- after all, what other option is there? So I can’t wait to be there… I can’t wait for my mind to make that switch. I think that's the biggest part of why I want to keep doing this... that or I'm just plain crazy.
Last night in spinning class I had a moment, and I think I have to give “Born to Run” the credit for it. I was pushing myself as hard as I could, pedalling away on one really tough series of hill sprints. I remember tilting my head up towards the ceiling with my eyes closed, panting, with sweat dripping off my chin in an almost constant stream. Laura, our spinning instructor, told us to “up” our resistance. It was the 10th turn on the reistance knob, and we still had two more to go. I felt like the pedals were just going to stop, yet I was determined to keep my rpms at about 75. That’s when I silently said to myself, “GOD this is HARD!!!” I tensed up my body, scrunched my face as if I were in the worst pain of my life and kept pushing… and struggling. I didn’t know if I could keep going.
That’s when I opened my eyes, looked down and suddenly remembered a part from that book. It talks about how ultrarunners hit a point of pure fatigue, and one racer said she embraces that moment with all she has. She taught herself to love it. There’s no beating it, so you may as well embrace and love it. If you can’t love that moment, then why the hell would you be racing like that? I instantly connected with that. I knew that feeling!
I focused on my breathing and imagined my heart beating big and strong and my blood pumping through my veins smooth and clean and then said to myself, “This body is truly amazing. This is what it was made to do. Look at what it’s doing! Look how efficient it’s running! It’s incredible!” I got a huge surge of energy, smiled, looked straight ahead and pumped my legs harder. I got a great sense of energy for those last two resistance turns. It felt easier!!
On previous Frozen Otter races, I got to a point where my body felt like it was done. I remember actually talking to my legs as I hiked up a steep hill, “Come on, legs, we can do this!!” It was like my body was shutting down and my mind was taking over. I was addicted after that. I loved having to make that switch from “mind and body” to “mind over body.” The body itself can take you so far, but if you don’t have the mindset to get past that, you’ll be done and won’t be able to go any more. Once you get your mind to push past it, your body will follow.
I think this "moment" pushed me a lot closer, mentally, to feeling ready for that race. I’m looking forward to that fatigue and pain -- after all, what other option is there? So I can’t wait to be there… I can’t wait for my mind to make that switch. I think that's the biggest part of why I want to keep doing this... that or I'm just plain crazy.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
13 days and counting...
...and I’m procrastinating. I don’t know if I’m in the mindset to hike 64 miles in 24 hours yet, and I don’t know that I have enough time to get there. Today I planned on going to a hiking trail and putting in as many miles as I could using the daylight I had left after church. But the smell of the BBQ chicken in the basement of the church caught me and I was done for. Adam and I grabbed a to-go conainer full of that BBQ wonderful-ness and head home. We sat down for our lunch, turned on the TV, then I grabbed a book with Peanut purring on my lap. I keep telling myself I’m going to still go for my hike today. But maybe instead of driving 45 minutes to a hiking trail, I’ll just jump on the sidewalks of Oshkosh and go as far as I can. Besides, on sidewalks, I can feel safe going well into the dark of night if I want to. Well, by the time I do finally get done here and go, I will HAVE to go well into the dark of the night! “Three hours,” I keep telling myself. And I’ll swear to myself to get onto the trails some time next weekend. Maybe even overnight if I have to.
I’ve got 13 more days to think and prepare. I need to round up a good chunk of inspiring music for the last half of the race and load it onto my Shuffle. I hope to not access that music until the 2nd half. I’ll probably force myself to follow this rule by leaving it in the car where I can pick it up and look forward to using it – another incentive to push me past 32 miles. I need to plan my half-way support, too. Who’s going to be there, how’s my car going to be running and warm, will I have hot coffee and a couple of cheeseburgers with salty fries waiting for me? Can I quickly change out of my cold, ice-chunck-heavy snowpants into a warm, dry pair? Sure, I suppose the changing and eating will be easy. But the big question is whether or not I’ll be able to do it quickly so I don’t get comfortable, then hit the trail fast. But not to win, 'cause I'm just not there yet. I'm afraid to put the pressure of winning anything on myself – the only thing I can focus on is trying to beat my time and distance from last year. I want to go more than 32 miles this year, and I want to accomplish it as a finisher, meaning I have to hike to a checkpoint and back to the start point at the very least. To do the full 64 miles would be an amazing accomplishment, but I’m not sure if I’m there yet. Whatever miles I end up doing, it’s going to be really hard, and I need to get ready for that.
There is just so much to think about and prepare. I haven’t done nearly as many long hikes as I’d have liked to do, and I’ve slowed down my workouts over the holidays because of busy schedules and super-fun family get-togethers. I wouldn’t trade those fun times with my family and friends for anything, but it worries me that I lost a couple of weeks. I feel like I need to play catch-up, yet here I sit: procrastinating.
As I write this, I’m learning that I need to organize myself, and fast. I need to make a list of what I need to pack. What I need for the first half and what I need for the second half. What do I need to do if my knees lock up on me? How much ibuprofin should I bring? I should bring Tylenol so I can alternate if I need to, also. I need to make some peanut-butter roll-ups and I need to bring some handwarmers to thaw my water hose if it freezes up on me. Oh, and duct tape. I can’t forget extra headlamp batteries, and I need easy access to a small light I can use to replace them if they die in the middle of the night.
Another list. I need another list. I need to get organized, I need to run, I need to hike, I need to think. I need to prepare and get my mind and body in synch. I think I better start all this with getting outside in the cold and pushing myself. It’s 3:15 and I hope I can be out there by 4:00 breathing in the cold air and smiling at the foggy breath of my exhale. I must… just… go.
I’ve got 13 more days to think and prepare. I need to round up a good chunk of inspiring music for the last half of the race and load it onto my Shuffle. I hope to not access that music until the 2nd half. I’ll probably force myself to follow this rule by leaving it in the car where I can pick it up and look forward to using it – another incentive to push me past 32 miles. I need to plan my half-way support, too. Who’s going to be there, how’s my car going to be running and warm, will I have hot coffee and a couple of cheeseburgers with salty fries waiting for me? Can I quickly change out of my cold, ice-chunck-heavy snowpants into a warm, dry pair? Sure, I suppose the changing and eating will be easy. But the big question is whether or not I’ll be able to do it quickly so I don’t get comfortable, then hit the trail fast. But not to win, 'cause I'm just not there yet. I'm afraid to put the pressure of winning anything on myself – the only thing I can focus on is trying to beat my time and distance from last year. I want to go more than 32 miles this year, and I want to accomplish it as a finisher, meaning I have to hike to a checkpoint and back to the start point at the very least. To do the full 64 miles would be an amazing accomplishment, but I’m not sure if I’m there yet. Whatever miles I end up doing, it’s going to be really hard, and I need to get ready for that.
There is just so much to think about and prepare. I haven’t done nearly as many long hikes as I’d have liked to do, and I’ve slowed down my workouts over the holidays because of busy schedules and super-fun family get-togethers. I wouldn’t trade those fun times with my family and friends for anything, but it worries me that I lost a couple of weeks. I feel like I need to play catch-up, yet here I sit: procrastinating.
As I write this, I’m learning that I need to organize myself, and fast. I need to make a list of what I need to pack. What I need for the first half and what I need for the second half. What do I need to do if my knees lock up on me? How much ibuprofin should I bring? I should bring Tylenol so I can alternate if I need to, also. I need to make some peanut-butter roll-ups and I need to bring some handwarmers to thaw my water hose if it freezes up on me. Oh, and duct tape. I can’t forget extra headlamp batteries, and I need easy access to a small light I can use to replace them if they die in the middle of the night.
Another list. I need another list. I need to get organized, I need to run, I need to hike, I need to think. I need to prepare and get my mind and body in synch. I think I better start all this with getting outside in the cold and pushing myself. It’s 3:15 and I hope I can be out there by 4:00 breathing in the cold air and smiling at the foggy breath of my exhale. I must… just… go.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
The winds of change
The winds of change are coming. It’s actually a whirlwind, to be more specific. At least that’s the way it feels inside of me. I’ve always had these dreams of all these different things I wanted to do before I died – I even made a list. Well, I’m starting to let go of that a little bit. I’m not deleting that file, and I never will, but I’m starting to accept that... well, these are things to work towards and dream about and smile when I think about them, but not get overly sad when I realize they aren’t going to work out. I may never climb Mt. Everest. That’s okay. If the opportunity came up, I don’t know that I could turn it down, but I think the decision to lighten up on my gigantuan dream list came down to the fact that I don’t think I’ve got the time to completely change my life each time I want to complete just one item listed.
The first wind came from one direction and turned me completely around. I decided I wanted to ground myself. I’m still not quite sure where that would be, but I’m feeling the “need” to feel of permanent residence somewhere. I’ve lived in the Oshkosh area for quite a few years now, but I still just don’t feel “grounded” here. If this is where Adam and I decide to plant our feet and let the roots grow, great. If not, great. I really don’t care either way. As long as in the next few years we can at least work towards finding that place… wherever it might be. We may even have to go out on a limb and try somewhere new to only end up right back here again. I really don’t know, and it doesn’t matter. Life is like that, and that’s why I’m okay with the direction this wind is taking me. There’s still an awful lot of that good ol’ fun unknown to play with.
And of course it doesn't stop there. Just as I thought about this new wind of change, another wind came in and turned me back around. It started when I clicked "play" on an itunes playlist on that I haven’t listened to in a while. I was looking for something calming and relaxing, so I chose my "Lake Tahoe Music" 7and5 playlist. The first beat rang into my head and I was suddenly laying in my Hubba tent under the stars somewhere on the Tahoe Rim Trail. My heart started to beat faster, and I got an aching cramp in the entire upper portion of my torso. I love backpacking and being in the wide-open outside. I love it so much it hurts. When I sit and think about it hard enough it makes me nauseous. It’s strangely sort of a good thing, I guess... because I can put myself somewhere so easily in my mind. I can smell the air, feel the breeze and the openness all around me. I can hear the leaves in the trees and my footsteps on the ground as I watch the scenery change as I walk by it. In my mind I can put myself back there. It's not as great as actually being there, but sometimes it's the closest I can get. On the flip side of that, I ache and ache to be out there RIGHT NOW. I'm just clawing at the future trying to cling on to even one or two new adventurous trips.
This is why it’s a whirlwind. I guess it’s just coming in strong from both directions. I mean STRONG, too. I feel a change coming from this, and it feels big, but I really have no idea which way it's gonna go. There's so many different factors that play into both sides. But this unknown is pretty exciting. Either way I go, I will have to set aside one dream to dedicate myself to another, but either way it's going to be great. So if I just relax, get comfortable and let the wind take me where it wants me, all will end the way it’s supposed to. Right? …sigh… who knows!?
So… with all that craziness said, what’s next? Well, in a nutshell… HAH! I don’t friggin’ know!! But since I haven’t blogged in forever I can write a little about what’s happened… I went on a super-rainy weekend backpacking overnighter in the Porkies in early October with the Fox Cities backpacking group – my mom, dad and friend Justin came along, so that was awesome. It was a miserably cold and wet weekend, but in the end a great adventure and tons of fun, as always.
I’ve been focusing a lot of my energy and time on training for the Frozen Otter (January 16-17). I’ll be blogging about that for sure. The Frozen Otter is always a highlight of my year. It's a great way to see where I'm at for the year, remind myself that I am a tough chick and thank God for that strength (there's lots of time to talk with Him in those 24 hours!!). I might be tough, but I don't get through that alone. No way. If I get a minute, I’d like to write a bunch about my training so I can look back at it next year and improve on it… but mostly I’ve been working out as much as I can -- including long workouts on the weekends, and long hikes when I can. I plan to get one in this Saturday, actually. And it just snowed a foot last night, so it’ll be a good training hike for sure! In November I did an overnight 32-mile hike in under 10 hours with Melissa, whom I met at the Frozen Otter a few years back. That was really cool, too. I had some knee troubles, so I’m doing some exercises recommended to me by a sports therapist, so hopefully that helps.
November also brought hunting season and Thanksgiving. I did get a deer this year – a little nubby buck the Sunday of opening weekend. There’s venison in my freezer, so I’m certainly happy about that. And the time I got to spend with my dad and brother (and uncles and other family) was absolutely amazing. I don't see my brother much (which I have no excuse for - he lives in Green Bay), but spending that week with him was... well, really cool. I don't really have a lot of words for it. I'm just thankful for that time. Hunting season and Thanksgiving is one of my favorite times of year for sure. And the icing on the cake this year was that Adam was there for almost the whole week, too. So I got to see quite a lot of him. I wasn't great company since I was always pooped from hunting, but it was still nice to cuddle up next to him at night and see him at least. :)
December’s been a rough month so far. I had some things stolen out of my backpack at the YMCA while I was working out last Wednesday. It’s really bothering me, and I’m going through all kinds of stages of crazy. It started with immediate embarrassment. I simply should've had my stuff locked up. I didn't even want to tell anyone. The only person I can blame is myself, really. I felt so stupid. That night I cried and cried. Then a few days later I started to feel angry and bitter. I was hoping I wouldn’t get to that point, but I figured it was just part of the process. I feel less trusting now, more paranoid… so that's all kinda’ sucky. But I’m getting over it slowly with the occasional gut-ache. I do really miss my iPod. I bought it for myself as a reward after losing 60 pounds back in 2005, and I had in on the hike with me… it still has playlists that I chose while hiking the ADT, so letting go of that is really hard. I just pray that whoever took my stuff is using it for something good – like Christmas presents for their family or something. Wishful thinking, I know, but it’s the only peace of mind I can find. Despite my embarrassment, I’ve told as many people about it as I can – not to wait until they have something stolen to lock up their stuff. I mean, it is just “stuff” that can be replaced, but I never thought about the terrible mental game you end up going through. If I can get someone else to avoid going through what I'm going through now, then there’s another peace of mind. But really, why do people do that!? ...I guess I'm still just a wee bit in the bitter stage yet, but working my way out of it...
Another kind of bummer thing about early December, is that one year ago on December 6 we had to put out kitty down. Rocko was only 7 years old, but he got a tummy cancer that grew so fast there was nothing we could do. I love the other two cats we have now, but Rocko was the coolest cat ever. I miss him as much now as I did the day we let him go. Love and miss ya’ Rocko bud!
A shimmer of light in my December so far (literally!), is this past Saturday I ran the Race for the Light 5K and hit a personal record… somehow. I haven’t been running much, but I ran that thing in 25:27!! That’s the fastest I’ve ever run 3.2 miles! I was thrilled! It was a cool run, too. We started at 5PM and ran through Oshkosh's Celebration of Lights, which is at Menominee Park -- everything is decorated for Christmas and there's a TON of lights. It was really neat to run through that.
So that lands me here. Just working on hanging on, trying to make big decisions about 2010… will I ever get that book written? I wanna... just cannot seem to find the time. Trying to prepare for Christmas… getting over some emotional dealios with things that have happened this year... especially missing good friendships that fade out, family that's passed, and some realities that are scary... normal stuff, I suppose. Just as everyone else around the holidays, there’s a lot of stressors in my world right now, but I’m just plugging away at it all one day and one thing at a time.
If you read my blog and keep up on it, it might be interesting to see where these winds take me in 2010 and 2011. I don’t even have any idea what’s gonna happen this next year, but hopefully it’s something worth reading about!
The first wind came from one direction and turned me completely around. I decided I wanted to ground myself. I’m still not quite sure where that would be, but I’m feeling the “need” to feel of permanent residence somewhere. I’ve lived in the Oshkosh area for quite a few years now, but I still just don’t feel “grounded” here. If this is where Adam and I decide to plant our feet and let the roots grow, great. If not, great. I really don’t care either way. As long as in the next few years we can at least work towards finding that place… wherever it might be. We may even have to go out on a limb and try somewhere new to only end up right back here again. I really don’t know, and it doesn’t matter. Life is like that, and that’s why I’m okay with the direction this wind is taking me. There’s still an awful lot of that good ol’ fun unknown to play with.
And of course it doesn't stop there. Just as I thought about this new wind of change, another wind came in and turned me back around. It started when I clicked "play" on an itunes playlist on that I haven’t listened to in a while. I was looking for something calming and relaxing, so I chose my "Lake Tahoe Music" 7and5 playlist. The first beat rang into my head and I was suddenly laying in my Hubba tent under the stars somewhere on the Tahoe Rim Trail. My heart started to beat faster, and I got an aching cramp in the entire upper portion of my torso. I love backpacking and being in the wide-open outside. I love it so much it hurts. When I sit and think about it hard enough it makes me nauseous. It’s strangely sort of a good thing, I guess... because I can put myself somewhere so easily in my mind. I can smell the air, feel the breeze and the openness all around me. I can hear the leaves in the trees and my footsteps on the ground as I watch the scenery change as I walk by it. In my mind I can put myself back there. It's not as great as actually being there, but sometimes it's the closest I can get. On the flip side of that, I ache and ache to be out there RIGHT NOW. I'm just clawing at the future trying to cling on to even one or two new adventurous trips.
This is why it’s a whirlwind. I guess it’s just coming in strong from both directions. I mean STRONG, too. I feel a change coming from this, and it feels big, but I really have no idea which way it's gonna go. There's so many different factors that play into both sides. But this unknown is pretty exciting. Either way I go, I will have to set aside one dream to dedicate myself to another, but either way it's going to be great. So if I just relax, get comfortable and let the wind take me where it wants me, all will end the way it’s supposed to. Right? …sigh… who knows!?
So… with all that craziness said, what’s next? Well, in a nutshell… HAH! I don’t friggin’ know!! But since I haven’t blogged in forever I can write a little about what’s happened… I went on a super-rainy weekend backpacking overnighter in the Porkies in early October with the Fox Cities backpacking group – my mom, dad and friend Justin came along, so that was awesome. It was a miserably cold and wet weekend, but in the end a great adventure and tons of fun, as always.
I’ve been focusing a lot of my energy and time on training for the Frozen Otter (January 16-17). I’ll be blogging about that for sure. The Frozen Otter is always a highlight of my year. It's a great way to see where I'm at for the year, remind myself that I am a tough chick and thank God for that strength (there's lots of time to talk with Him in those 24 hours!!). I might be tough, but I don't get through that alone. No way. If I get a minute, I’d like to write a bunch about my training so I can look back at it next year and improve on it… but mostly I’ve been working out as much as I can -- including long workouts on the weekends, and long hikes when I can. I plan to get one in this Saturday, actually. And it just snowed a foot last night, so it’ll be a good training hike for sure! In November I did an overnight 32-mile hike in under 10 hours with Melissa, whom I met at the Frozen Otter a few years back. That was really cool, too. I had some knee troubles, so I’m doing some exercises recommended to me by a sports therapist, so hopefully that helps.
November also brought hunting season and Thanksgiving. I did get a deer this year – a little nubby buck the Sunday of opening weekend. There’s venison in my freezer, so I’m certainly happy about that. And the time I got to spend with my dad and brother (and uncles and other family) was absolutely amazing. I don't see my brother much (which I have no excuse for - he lives in Green Bay), but spending that week with him was... well, really cool. I don't really have a lot of words for it. I'm just thankful for that time. Hunting season and Thanksgiving is one of my favorite times of year for sure. And the icing on the cake this year was that Adam was there for almost the whole week, too. So I got to see quite a lot of him. I wasn't great company since I was always pooped from hunting, but it was still nice to cuddle up next to him at night and see him at least. :)
December’s been a rough month so far. I had some things stolen out of my backpack at the YMCA while I was working out last Wednesday. It’s really bothering me, and I’m going through all kinds of stages of crazy. It started with immediate embarrassment. I simply should've had my stuff locked up. I didn't even want to tell anyone. The only person I can blame is myself, really. I felt so stupid. That night I cried and cried. Then a few days later I started to feel angry and bitter. I was hoping I wouldn’t get to that point, but I figured it was just part of the process. I feel less trusting now, more paranoid… so that's all kinda’ sucky. But I’m getting over it slowly with the occasional gut-ache. I do really miss my iPod. I bought it for myself as a reward after losing 60 pounds back in 2005, and I had in on the hike with me… it still has playlists that I chose while hiking the ADT, so letting go of that is really hard. I just pray that whoever took my stuff is using it for something good – like Christmas presents for their family or something. Wishful thinking, I know, but it’s the only peace of mind I can find. Despite my embarrassment, I’ve told as many people about it as I can – not to wait until they have something stolen to lock up their stuff. I mean, it is just “stuff” that can be replaced, but I never thought about the terrible mental game you end up going through. If I can get someone else to avoid going through what I'm going through now, then there’s another peace of mind. But really, why do people do that!? ...I guess I'm still just a wee bit in the bitter stage yet, but working my way out of it...
Another kind of bummer thing about early December, is that one year ago on December 6 we had to put out kitty down. Rocko was only 7 years old, but he got a tummy cancer that grew so fast there was nothing we could do. I love the other two cats we have now, but Rocko was the coolest cat ever. I miss him as much now as I did the day we let him go. Love and miss ya’ Rocko bud!
A shimmer of light in my December so far (literally!), is this past Saturday I ran the Race for the Light 5K and hit a personal record… somehow. I haven’t been running much, but I ran that thing in 25:27!! That’s the fastest I’ve ever run 3.2 miles! I was thrilled! It was a cool run, too. We started at 5PM and ran through Oshkosh's Celebration of Lights, which is at Menominee Park -- everything is decorated for Christmas and there's a TON of lights. It was really neat to run through that.
So that lands me here. Just working on hanging on, trying to make big decisions about 2010… will I ever get that book written? I wanna... just cannot seem to find the time. Trying to prepare for Christmas… getting over some emotional dealios with things that have happened this year... especially missing good friendships that fade out, family that's passed, and some realities that are scary... normal stuff, I suppose. Just as everyone else around the holidays, there’s a lot of stressors in my world right now, but I’m just plugging away at it all one day and one thing at a time.
If you read my blog and keep up on it, it might be interesting to see where these winds take me in 2010 and 2011. I don’t even have any idea what’s gonna happen this next year, but hopefully it’s something worth reading about!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
A very special 3-year anniversary
October 27, 2006 - Limantour Beach, CaliforniaI still have some catching up to do since my last post, but I had to make an exception and jump into the present moment in my blog. Today is October 27, 2009. Three years ago today, mom and I walked our last 1/4 mile (out of somewhere around 4,600) down the shoreline of the Pacific Ocean at Limantour Beach, California, and "dipped our toes" into the water to signify the completion of "Our Hike" Across America for Bone Marrow Disease. Here's a video of us doing just that!
Here is also a link to my journal entry from that day. Look around on the trailjournals website and see more entries from the hike as well as some photos!
When mom and I reached the finish of that huge journey, neither of us really knew what we felt. You think we would have that all figured out... but no...The whole time we were walking the previous 8-1/2 months -- every step, through 13 states, mile after mile, across our entire country, we thought about this very moment. What will it be like? Will we cry? Will we cheer? We had no idea. When we stepped out into the sand and took our first few steps that day toward the finish line, our stomachs were in knots. We were nervous, excited, happy, proud, sad, but overall we were thoroughly confused... but we were smiling the biggest smiles you could ever see. We had a welcoming committee of friendly, loving, supportive faces. Family, friends, patients, representatives from both the AA&MDSIF and the ADT... it was a great group of people to see.
A look back
Back in February that year, we dipped our toes in the Atlantic Ocean and quickly ran away as the chilling waves chased us onward. This was the start of our journey. We weren't sure what adventures were laid out for us in the upcoming months, but while taking those first few heavy steps in the deep sand, we both knew we'd be feeling the water of the Pacific on our toes in the future. We were two women on a mission, and we were going to do what we set out to do, thanks to a little stubborn determination, and strength not only pulled from deep down inside ourselves, but the kind of strength that comes from doing something for others. There were Bone Marrow Disease patients out there suffering... surviving... hoping... praying... and we wanted to somehow touch the lives of each and every one of them. We wanted to give them some hope... we wanted to help in any way we could. It was an amazing feeling each time I pushed on through a hard moment or a hard day with the thought of those truly fighting through the toughest battle -- the fight for life. When we were feeling down or thought it was getting difficult to keep going, we'd think of the patients out there battling Bone Marrow Disease, Cancer, Heart Disease... whatever it may be, and thought, "We just need to keep going."
I've always said - surviving Aplastic Anemia was not something I did alone. I had a support system of family, friends, doctors, nurses, the AA&MDSIF, prayer... God. There were so many people that helped me through that rough time -- each and every person that was in my life helped me survive in some way. Whether it were a distant prayer, or someone sticking by my side every single moment that summer, I survived... with their help. My journey across the country would be no different.
Mom and I walked with the strength of thousands. When things got tough, we'd think of patients fighting their illness, parents grieving at the recent loss of a child, a newly diagnosed patient crunching their face (as I did) and saying, "What the heck is Aplastic Anemia?" or a patient that was just told they were in remission... all those out there that were affected by Bone Marrow Disease in some way gave us strength and gave us hope that we could finish. And in return, we could only pray that we could give back even a fraction of that hope. We would tell everyone we met about Bone Marrow Disease, and we'd raise as many funds as we could to try to even put the slightest dent in the research toward a cure. It was our mission... but it was the "Our Hike" family that pushed us across the country for 4,600 + miles.
Thank you to everyone that was a part of the journey, and thank you to everyone that has become a part of the journey since then.
As many of you know, every year we hold an annual "Our Hike" fundraiser to raise a few more funds to support the Aplastic Anemia & MDS International Foundation and their ongoing dedication to research and patient education. As I mentioned earlier, mom and I were confused at the end of that hike -- we were so happy to be done, but at the same time we wanted to turn around and keep walking... but home was calling sooooo strongly, so with no second thoughts, we happily headed home. But with these confused feelings still lingering, we decided that we weren't going to leave that whole journey at the beach that day - we were going to continue on... that's why we hold our yearly fundraiser.
It was a bittersweet day 3 years ago, and it still is today. I think of something from that journey every day of my life, and it has affected me in so many ways. There are many emotions that bubble to the surface every now and again... everywhere from happy memories, to sadness from a loss, to struggles not mentioned, to shame from not being able to do more. It bounces back and forth constantly, and definitely keeps me on my toes.
Overall, I miss it and I wish we could do it again. But if we do... Adam... Dad... you're comin' with us!! :)
Prayers go out to my Great Aunt Lois, who has suffered with Myelodysplastic Syndrome for a few years now and just recently has stopped taking transfusions with hopes to let go of this life comfortably. I am thankful that I was given the opportunity to spend some time with her that weekend my mom and I finished our journey... she is definitely one of the patients -- and family -- we kept in our minds and hearts with every step. We love you, Aunt Lois, and we will miss you.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
"Our Hike" for Bone Marrow Disease 2009
The 5th Annual "Our Hike" for Bone Marrow Disease!
On September 12, 2009, we held our 5th Annual "Our Hike" for Bone Marrow Disease. It was another great time! My mom and I always get super-stressed out and worry ourselves crazy that nobody will come -- but people always do! And we have quite a few dedicated faces we see year after year, and it's always WONDERFUL to see new friends join the "Our Hike" family, too!
Don't miss out on any fun next year!! Mark your calendars now -- September 11, 2010!
Don't miss out on any fun next year!! Mark your calendars now -- September 11, 2010!
So first - a GREAT BIG THANK YOU to all those that came along and hiked with us! Thanks to all those that joined us at the Corner Connection for the registration, meat raffle, lunch and backpack raffle (congrats to Linda Lou who won the backpack full of camping goodies). It was great to see such a big turnout for our spaghetti dinner and raffles at Lost Vega's, too. We had lots of people come out just to hike, just to get in on the dinner special, just the evening music and raffles, or for all of it! That's what is so fun about this event -- you can kind of choose your adventure! Of course, I recommend getting in on all of the fun... you just never know what you're going to miss (see picture of Keith in the burning boat below! tee-hee)
I will also mention a big THANK YOU to all of our volunteers and helpers... to those like Josh, who showed up at my parents house Friday night and helped load raffle baskets into the car, the local businesses that participated (Corner Connection and Lost Vega's for the start and finish), Adam for MC'ing, Orien (I work with him at 4imprint) for borrowing us his time and equipment to put together some awesome radio ads, Kenny for driving the haywagon, Karen for donating so many huge baskets to raffle, Lee for helping with organizing and money-handling, Sarah for helping sell paddles, all of our outstanding family and friends that helped with odds and ends along the way, all those that donated prizes for raffles... the list could go on! Just know we appreciate each and every one of you -- and on behalf of all Bone Marrow Disease patients, their friends and their families -- we couldn't do all this without you!
"Our Hike" hikers on the new Georgetown ATV trail)
A quick recap of the day --
It turned out to be a really nice day in the Northwoods along the newest section of the Georgetown ATV trail. We had about 30 hikers, I think... and some gorgeous late-summer/early-fall weather. Slightly cool, but still warm enough to wear shorts -- and the only place I ran into skeeters was in the woods when I snuck out to "use the facilities." There were a few leaves starting to turn, so vibrant reds, yellows and oranges JUST started to sprinkle the woods. The trail we hiked was complete this year (last year we had to bushwhack across Carpenter Creek!), so we had a nice huge bridge to walk across.
Participants sporting their "Our Hike" goodies. Bandannas and Sport packs!
This is the new bridge across Carpenter Creek.
Once hikers reached Lost Vega's after a wonderful 7-mile hike, we all rested and rehydrated. Then dinner was served! We all enjoyed some yummy spaghetti and meatballs while Mom, Lee, Adam, Sarah and I started running some raffles! The night fun continued with more and more raffles -- we had huge themed baskets of guy stuff like tools and car kits, girl stuff like holiday-themed decorations and kitchen stuff, kids baskets full of toys, baskets full of baby stuff, and a bunch more! We had grandma's homemade breads, Holly's chocolate pies, a homemade cribbage board, Mom's ginormous crocheted sock monkey, my original monoprints, gift cards... just a whole slew of different stuff! There's always something for everyone!!
Later in the evening, the band Spitfire set up and started to play some music. We had a fun time visiting, dancing and we even ran more raffles during the band's breaks! The fun normally goes late into the night. :)
Thank you, volunteers, donors and participants. We hope to see you next year on September 11, 2010! And keep your eyes open -- we might be changing things up a bit! It's going to be a blast!
Oh, did I mention something about Keith (my dad) sitting in a burning boat?! As promised:
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
A weird, “out-of-sorts” weekend
I don’t really like posting entries like this one. I enjoy posting the fun, adventurous stories… but I suppose not every day can be perfect, right? So I’m going to get it off my chest -- I have been in a serious “funk” lately. I have some leads on what might be bothering me, and I’m going over and over all of the possibilities and trying to come up with ways to test them and fix them. I’m struggling with it, though. I’ve woken up to a headache and tears a few times in the past couple of weeks, and had a really hard time last weekend that was sort of a breaking point for me. But the good news is that my experience from last weekend has pushed me to ask God for help, and He showed up stronger than I think I’ve ever felt Him. It was a very personal, emotional time. I wish I was more comfortable sharing my spiritual experiences in more detail, but I’m not there yet. This alone is a big step for me. One day I’ll openly and confidently talk about it. But that experience is one that I try to remember when I fall into a slump, and it always picks me up a little bit.
“Break me down and build me back up.”
I think I’m still a little bit in the “break me down” part, but I need to remember this is a process. I have some mind-clearing and soul-fixing to do. It’s actually a little exciting to think about potential progress, and I think I’m going in the right direction with it. I pray that I am, anyway.
So, about last weekend -- it was a very strange time for me. This was one of those situations where if I told my parents about it, they would feel my forehead and say, “are you feeling okay?” Well, I wasn’t and that was the problem. I didn’t know why, but I just wasn’t.
The “plan” was to head to Mauthe Lake Campground Friday night after work and camp. I was going to get up at 3:30 AM, have breakfast and coffee, hydrate myself, get dressed, throw on my day pack and hit the trail by 5:00 AM and hike 50 miles. Then I started to think about the ½ marathon coming up, and I was nervous about pushing 50 miles at this point in my training, so I backed it off to 32 miles. I just wasn’t mentally prepared to hike 50 miles. By Friday I was already backing the 32 off to 20 miles, and I realized that I just wasn’t at all excited about it. That was the first sign that something was “off.” I normally get overly giddy with excitement about camping, hiking, hitting the trail – whatever the adventure may be. That was missing and it not only concerned me, it made me sad. I missed it!
I left work early Friday, and got to my campsite at about 5:30 PM. I set up my tent and got my gear ready for the hike Saturday morning. Then I left my site for a little bit and went down the road to a little store for some batteries, Jiffy Pop and an ice cream cone. When I got back I started a little campfire, made myself some tortellini mixed with a chicken noodle side in my Jetboil and thought about making my Jiffy Pop. Then I started to hear some rumbling in the distance. I gave Adam a quick call to check the weather. When I checked it earlier that day, it looked like it was only going to be partly cloudy. Adam confirmed that a line of red on the radar screen was headed right for me. I decided to wait on the Jiffy Pop.
I got my toothbrush and head towards the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and washed my hands, and when I stepped out the door, I noticed the clouds in the dark sky were looking pretty mean, and it was just starting to rain a little. I hurried back to my site, grabbed a few things from my car and got into the tent. I set my watch alarm for 3:30 and laid there listening to the thunder and the rain on my tent until it lulled me right to sleep.
My alarm woke me up at 3:30. I quickly turned it off. I noticed it wasn’t raining any more, but I didn’t care. I laid there feeling no energy in me whatsoever. I felt as dark inside as it was outside. I curled back up in my sleeping bag and fell asleep. I woke up again at about 4:30, rolled over and fell asleep again. Then at 5:30 I did the same… and 6:30. Finally at 7:00 AM I heard other campers rumbling around. I started to get up, but my clothing-in-a-stuffsack pillow was so perfectly comfortable that I laid my head back down and slept until 7:30. I finally got up and crawled out of my tent – but I think that was only because I felt the need to stroll down to the bathroom.
I will brush over a lot of the details here, but I got back to my site, started my Jetboil, made coffee and oatmeal and just wasn’t feeling right. I didn’t feel like hiking. The trail was RIGHT there and I didn’t want it. This was the point where I KNEW something wasn’t right with me. I started to cry. I was this pathetic shell of a being, all by myself, sitting at a picnic table at a campsite in a huge, overcrowded public campground, balling my eyes out. I texted Adam and told him I was thinking about coming home. Shortly later, I texted him again and told him I was surely coming home. I finished my breakfast, packed up and left. I drove straight home, crying the whole way.
You can ask, “What was wrong?” and I couldn’t tell you. I still can’t. That’s where I’m struggling. I’m trying to figure it out. I felt this coming on during the whole week and held it back even ignoring it pretty well. I can still feel it this week, but that morning at that picnic table and the drive home gave me a lot of time to settle down and be with my thoughts. So I think that was rock-bottom – I can only really go up from there!
So… I’m including this in my blog to get it off my chest and give myself something to reflect on when I need to remind myself that I am not invincible. I’ve got my flaws, and they are okay. I need my imperfections as much as I need motivation. I need to embrace them and love them and be okay with them. I just need to learn how to let them be what they are naturally. I’d like to actually wear them with confidence. I need to work on this. That is a hard thing to teach oneself to do. This probably sounds like a bunch of rambling… and it probably is. :)
I’m not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me or to worry about me. I’m perfectly okay, and I’m actually at a really good stage as I’m writing this – even though it’s difficult – I’m starting to think it’s really good for me. It’s bringing me back to the basics. What do I need and what do I not need? What is surface and what is real? Why do I want the things I want? Do I need them? I’ve got a lot of very broad questions that I’m analyzing the answers of until I’m physically tired of thinking. This might sound crazy, but I feel like I’m emptying myself out from my very core so I can start over with a better foundation. Will I be successful? Probably not fully, but it can’t hurt to try. There’s some work to do.
“Break me down and build me back up.”
Oh, and it turns out that the weekend wasn’t a total flop... When I got home I cleaned like a madwoman, organized some areas in our apartment I’d been neglecting, enjoyed watching UFC with Adam and friends Saturday night, went to church Sunday and shared on a nice pot luck after the service for our Vicar, got home, rearranged and cleaned the bedroom and read a little of my homework. It’s not what I had planned, but it was certainly productive, anyway.
“Break me down and build me back up.”
I think I’m still a little bit in the “break me down” part, but I need to remember this is a process. I have some mind-clearing and soul-fixing to do. It’s actually a little exciting to think about potential progress, and I think I’m going in the right direction with it. I pray that I am, anyway.
So, about last weekend -- it was a very strange time for me. This was one of those situations where if I told my parents about it, they would feel my forehead and say, “are you feeling okay?” Well, I wasn’t and that was the problem. I didn’t know why, but I just wasn’t.
The “plan” was to head to Mauthe Lake Campground Friday night after work and camp. I was going to get up at 3:30 AM, have breakfast and coffee, hydrate myself, get dressed, throw on my day pack and hit the trail by 5:00 AM and hike 50 miles. Then I started to think about the ½ marathon coming up, and I was nervous about pushing 50 miles at this point in my training, so I backed it off to 32 miles. I just wasn’t mentally prepared to hike 50 miles. By Friday I was already backing the 32 off to 20 miles, and I realized that I just wasn’t at all excited about it. That was the first sign that something was “off.” I normally get overly giddy with excitement about camping, hiking, hitting the trail – whatever the adventure may be. That was missing and it not only concerned me, it made me sad. I missed it!
I left work early Friday, and got to my campsite at about 5:30 PM. I set up my tent and got my gear ready for the hike Saturday morning. Then I left my site for a little bit and went down the road to a little store for some batteries, Jiffy Pop and an ice cream cone. When I got back I started a little campfire, made myself some tortellini mixed with a chicken noodle side in my Jetboil and thought about making my Jiffy Pop. Then I started to hear some rumbling in the distance. I gave Adam a quick call to check the weather. When I checked it earlier that day, it looked like it was only going to be partly cloudy. Adam confirmed that a line of red on the radar screen was headed right for me. I decided to wait on the Jiffy Pop.
I got my toothbrush and head towards the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and washed my hands, and when I stepped out the door, I noticed the clouds in the dark sky were looking pretty mean, and it was just starting to rain a little. I hurried back to my site, grabbed a few things from my car and got into the tent. I set my watch alarm for 3:30 and laid there listening to the thunder and the rain on my tent until it lulled me right to sleep.
My alarm woke me up at 3:30. I quickly turned it off. I noticed it wasn’t raining any more, but I didn’t care. I laid there feeling no energy in me whatsoever. I felt as dark inside as it was outside. I curled back up in my sleeping bag and fell asleep. I woke up again at about 4:30, rolled over and fell asleep again. Then at 5:30 I did the same… and 6:30. Finally at 7:00 AM I heard other campers rumbling around. I started to get up, but my clothing-in-a-stuffsack pillow was so perfectly comfortable that I laid my head back down and slept until 7:30. I finally got up and crawled out of my tent – but I think that was only because I felt the need to stroll down to the bathroom.
I will brush over a lot of the details here, but I got back to my site, started my Jetboil, made coffee and oatmeal and just wasn’t feeling right. I didn’t feel like hiking. The trail was RIGHT there and I didn’t want it. This was the point where I KNEW something wasn’t right with me. I started to cry. I was this pathetic shell of a being, all by myself, sitting at a picnic table at a campsite in a huge, overcrowded public campground, balling my eyes out. I texted Adam and told him I was thinking about coming home. Shortly later, I texted him again and told him I was surely coming home. I finished my breakfast, packed up and left. I drove straight home, crying the whole way.
You can ask, “What was wrong?” and I couldn’t tell you. I still can’t. That’s where I’m struggling. I’m trying to figure it out. I felt this coming on during the whole week and held it back even ignoring it pretty well. I can still feel it this week, but that morning at that picnic table and the drive home gave me a lot of time to settle down and be with my thoughts. So I think that was rock-bottom – I can only really go up from there!
So… I’m including this in my blog to get it off my chest and give myself something to reflect on when I need to remind myself that I am not invincible. I’ve got my flaws, and they are okay. I need my imperfections as much as I need motivation. I need to embrace them and love them and be okay with them. I just need to learn how to let them be what they are naturally. I’d like to actually wear them with confidence. I need to work on this. That is a hard thing to teach oneself to do. This probably sounds like a bunch of rambling… and it probably is. :)
I’m not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me or to worry about me. I’m perfectly okay, and I’m actually at a really good stage as I’m writing this – even though it’s difficult – I’m starting to think it’s really good for me. It’s bringing me back to the basics. What do I need and what do I not need? What is surface and what is real? Why do I want the things I want? Do I need them? I’ve got a lot of very broad questions that I’m analyzing the answers of until I’m physically tired of thinking. This might sound crazy, but I feel like I’m emptying myself out from my very core so I can start over with a better foundation. Will I be successful? Probably not fully, but it can’t hurt to try. There’s some work to do.
“Break me down and build me back up.”
Oh, and it turns out that the weekend wasn’t a total flop... When I got home I cleaned like a madwoman, organized some areas in our apartment I’d been neglecting, enjoyed watching UFC with Adam and friends Saturday night, went to church Sunday and shared on a nice pot luck after the service for our Vicar, got home, rearranged and cleaned the bedroom and read a little of my homework. It’s not what I had planned, but it was certainly productive, anyway.
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