The winds of change are coming. It’s actually a whirlwind, to be more specific. At least that’s the way it feels inside of me. I’ve always had these dreams of all these different things I wanted to do before I died – I even made a list. Well, I’m starting to let go of that a little bit. I’m not deleting that file, and I never will, but I’m starting to accept that... well, these are things to work towards and dream about and smile when I think about them, but not get overly sad when I realize they aren’t going to work out. I may never climb Mt. Everest. That’s okay. If the opportunity came up, I don’t know that I could turn it down, but I think the decision to lighten up on my gigantuan dream list came down to the fact that I don’t think I’ve got the time to completely change my life each time I want to complete just one item listed.
The first wind came from one direction and turned me completely around. I decided I wanted to ground myself. I’m still not quite sure where that would be, but I’m feeling the “need” to feel of permanent residence somewhere. I’ve lived in the Oshkosh area for quite a few years now, but I still just don’t feel “grounded” here. If this is where Adam and I decide to plant our feet and let the roots grow, great. If not, great. I really don’t care either way. As long as in the next few years we can at least work towards finding that place… wherever it might be. We may even have to go out on a limb and try somewhere new to only end up right back here again. I really don’t know, and it doesn’t matter. Life is like that, and that’s why I’m okay with the direction this wind is taking me. There’s still an awful lot of that good ol’ fun unknown to play with.
And of course it doesn't stop there. Just as I thought about this new wind of change, another wind came in and turned me back around. It started when I clicked "play" on an itunes playlist on that I haven’t listened to in a while. I was looking for something calming and relaxing, so I chose my "Lake Tahoe Music" 7and5 playlist. The first beat rang into my head and I was suddenly laying in my Hubba tent under the stars somewhere on the Tahoe Rim Trail. My heart started to beat faster, and I got an aching cramp in the entire upper portion of my torso. I love backpacking and being in the wide-open outside. I love it so much it hurts. When I sit and think about it hard enough it makes me nauseous. It’s strangely sort of a good thing, I guess... because I can put myself somewhere so easily in my mind. I can smell the air, feel the breeze and the openness all around me. I can hear the leaves in the trees and my footsteps on the ground as I watch the scenery change as I walk by it. In my mind I can put myself back there. It's not as great as actually being there, but sometimes it's the closest I can get. On the flip side of that, I ache and ache to be out there RIGHT NOW. I'm just clawing at the future trying to cling on to even one or two new adventurous trips.
This is why it’s a whirlwind. I guess it’s just coming in strong from both directions. I mean STRONG, too. I feel a change coming from this, and it feels big, but I really have no idea which way it's gonna go. There's so many different factors that play into both sides. But this unknown is pretty exciting. Either way I go, I will have to set aside one dream to dedicate myself to another, but either way it's going to be great. So if I just relax, get comfortable and let the wind take me where it wants me, all will end the way it’s supposed to. Right? …sigh… who knows!?
So… with all that craziness said, what’s next? Well, in a nutshell… HAH! I don’t friggin’ know!! But since I haven’t blogged in forever I can write a little about what’s happened… I went on a super-rainy weekend backpacking overnighter in the Porkies in early October with the Fox Cities backpacking group – my mom, dad and friend Justin came along, so that was awesome. It was a miserably cold and wet weekend, but in the end a great adventure and tons of fun, as always.
I’ve been focusing a lot of my energy and time on training for the Frozen Otter (January 16-17). I’ll be blogging about that for sure. The Frozen Otter is always a highlight of my year. It's a great way to see where I'm at for the year, remind myself that I am a tough chick and thank God for that strength (there's lots of time to talk with Him in those 24 hours!!). I might be tough, but I don't get through that alone. No way. If I get a minute, I’d like to write a bunch about my training so I can look back at it next year and improve on it… but mostly I’ve been working out as much as I can -- including long workouts on the weekends, and long hikes when I can. I plan to get one in this Saturday, actually. And it just snowed a foot last night, so it’ll be a good training hike for sure! In November I did an overnight 32-mile hike in under 10 hours with Melissa, whom I met at the Frozen Otter a few years back. That was really cool, too. I had some knee troubles, so I’m doing some exercises recommended to me by a sports therapist, so hopefully that helps.
November also brought hunting season and Thanksgiving. I did get a deer this year – a little nubby buck the Sunday of opening weekend. There’s venison in my freezer, so I’m certainly happy about that. And the time I got to spend with my dad and brother (and uncles and other family) was absolutely amazing. I don't see my brother much (which I have no excuse for - he lives in Green Bay), but spending that week with him was... well, really cool. I don't really have a lot of words for it. I'm just thankful for that time. Hunting season and Thanksgiving is one of my favorite times of year for sure. And the icing on the cake this year was that Adam was there for almost the whole week, too. So I got to see quite a lot of him. I wasn't great company since I was always pooped from hunting, but it was still nice to cuddle up next to him at night and see him at least. :)
December’s been a rough month so far. I had some things stolen out of my backpack at the YMCA while I was working out last Wednesday. It’s really bothering me, and I’m going through all kinds of stages of crazy. It started with immediate embarrassment. I simply should've had my stuff locked up. I didn't even want to tell anyone. The only person I can blame is myself, really. I felt so stupid. That night I cried and cried. Then a few days later I started to feel angry and bitter. I was hoping I wouldn’t get to that point, but I figured it was just part of the process. I feel less trusting now, more paranoid… so that's all kinda’ sucky. But I’m getting over it slowly with the occasional gut-ache. I do really miss my iPod. I bought it for myself as a reward after losing 60 pounds back in 2005, and I had in on the hike with me… it still has playlists that I chose while hiking the ADT, so letting go of that is really hard. I just pray that whoever took my stuff is using it for something good – like Christmas presents for their family or something. Wishful thinking, I know, but it’s the only peace of mind I can find. Despite my embarrassment, I’ve told as many people about it as I can – not to wait until they have something stolen to lock up their stuff. I mean, it is just “stuff” that can be replaced, but I never thought about the terrible mental game you end up going through. If I can get someone else to avoid going through what I'm going through now, then there’s another peace of mind. But really, why do people do that!? ...I guess I'm still just a wee bit in the bitter stage yet, but working my way out of it...
Another kind of bummer thing about early December, is that one year ago on December 6 we had to put out kitty down. Rocko was only 7 years old, but he got a tummy cancer that grew so fast there was nothing we could do. I love the other two cats we have now, but Rocko was the coolest cat ever. I miss him as much now as I did the day we let him go. Love and miss ya’ Rocko bud!
A shimmer of light in my December so far (literally!), is this past Saturday I ran the Race for the Light 5K and hit a personal record… somehow. I haven’t been running much, but I ran that thing in 25:27!! That’s the fastest I’ve ever run 3.2 miles! I was thrilled! It was a cool run, too. We started at 5PM and ran through Oshkosh's Celebration of Lights, which is at Menominee Park -- everything is decorated for Christmas and there's a TON of lights. It was really neat to run through that.
So that lands me here. Just working on hanging on, trying to make big decisions about 2010… will I ever get that book written? I wanna... just cannot seem to find the time. Trying to prepare for Christmas… getting over some emotional dealios with things that have happened this year... especially missing good friendships that fade out, family that's passed, and some realities that are scary... normal stuff, I suppose. Just as everyone else around the holidays, there’s a lot of stressors in my world right now, but I’m just plugging away at it all one day and one thing at a time.
If you read my blog and keep up on it, it might be interesting to see where these winds take me in 2010 and 2011. I don’t even have any idea what’s gonna happen this next year, but hopefully it’s something worth reading about!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
A very special 3-year anniversary
October 27, 2006 - Limantour Beach, CaliforniaI still have some catching up to do since my last post, but I had to make an exception and jump into the present moment in my blog. Today is October 27, 2009. Three years ago today, mom and I walked our last 1/4 mile (out of somewhere around 4,600) down the shoreline of the Pacific Ocean at Limantour Beach, California, and "dipped our toes" into the water to signify the completion of "Our Hike" Across America for Bone Marrow Disease. Here's a video of us doing just that!
Here is also a link to my journal entry from that day. Look around on the trailjournals website and see more entries from the hike as well as some photos!
When mom and I reached the finish of that huge journey, neither of us really knew what we felt. You think we would have that all figured out... but no...The whole time we were walking the previous 8-1/2 months -- every step, through 13 states, mile after mile, across our entire country, we thought about this very moment. What will it be like? Will we cry? Will we cheer? We had no idea. When we stepped out into the sand and took our first few steps that day toward the finish line, our stomachs were in knots. We were nervous, excited, happy, proud, sad, but overall we were thoroughly confused... but we were smiling the biggest smiles you could ever see. We had a welcoming committee of friendly, loving, supportive faces. Family, friends, patients, representatives from both the AA&MDSIF and the ADT... it was a great group of people to see.
A look back
Back in February that year, we dipped our toes in the Atlantic Ocean and quickly ran away as the chilling waves chased us onward. This was the start of our journey. We weren't sure what adventures were laid out for us in the upcoming months, but while taking those first few heavy steps in the deep sand, we both knew we'd be feeling the water of the Pacific on our toes in the future. We were two women on a mission, and we were going to do what we set out to do, thanks to a little stubborn determination, and strength not only pulled from deep down inside ourselves, but the kind of strength that comes from doing something for others. There were Bone Marrow Disease patients out there suffering... surviving... hoping... praying... and we wanted to somehow touch the lives of each and every one of them. We wanted to give them some hope... we wanted to help in any way we could. It was an amazing feeling each time I pushed on through a hard moment or a hard day with the thought of those truly fighting through the toughest battle -- the fight for life. When we were feeling down or thought it was getting difficult to keep going, we'd think of the patients out there battling Bone Marrow Disease, Cancer, Heart Disease... whatever it may be, and thought, "We just need to keep going."
I've always said - surviving Aplastic Anemia was not something I did alone. I had a support system of family, friends, doctors, nurses, the AA&MDSIF, prayer... God. There were so many people that helped me through that rough time -- each and every person that was in my life helped me survive in some way. Whether it were a distant prayer, or someone sticking by my side every single moment that summer, I survived... with their help. My journey across the country would be no different.
Mom and I walked with the strength of thousands. When things got tough, we'd think of patients fighting their illness, parents grieving at the recent loss of a child, a newly diagnosed patient crunching their face (as I did) and saying, "What the heck is Aplastic Anemia?" or a patient that was just told they were in remission... all those out there that were affected by Bone Marrow Disease in some way gave us strength and gave us hope that we could finish. And in return, we could only pray that we could give back even a fraction of that hope. We would tell everyone we met about Bone Marrow Disease, and we'd raise as many funds as we could to try to even put the slightest dent in the research toward a cure. It was our mission... but it was the "Our Hike" family that pushed us across the country for 4,600 + miles.
Thank you to everyone that was a part of the journey, and thank you to everyone that has become a part of the journey since then.
As many of you know, every year we hold an annual "Our Hike" fundraiser to raise a few more funds to support the Aplastic Anemia & MDS International Foundation and their ongoing dedication to research and patient education. As I mentioned earlier, mom and I were confused at the end of that hike -- we were so happy to be done, but at the same time we wanted to turn around and keep walking... but home was calling sooooo strongly, so with no second thoughts, we happily headed home. But with these confused feelings still lingering, we decided that we weren't going to leave that whole journey at the beach that day - we were going to continue on... that's why we hold our yearly fundraiser.
It was a bittersweet day 3 years ago, and it still is today. I think of something from that journey every day of my life, and it has affected me in so many ways. There are many emotions that bubble to the surface every now and again... everywhere from happy memories, to sadness from a loss, to struggles not mentioned, to shame from not being able to do more. It bounces back and forth constantly, and definitely keeps me on my toes.
Overall, I miss it and I wish we could do it again. But if we do... Adam... Dad... you're comin' with us!! :)
Prayers go out to my Great Aunt Lois, who has suffered with Myelodysplastic Syndrome for a few years now and just recently has stopped taking transfusions with hopes to let go of this life comfortably. I am thankful that I was given the opportunity to spend some time with her that weekend my mom and I finished our journey... she is definitely one of the patients -- and family -- we kept in our minds and hearts with every step. We love you, Aunt Lois, and we will miss you.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
"Our Hike" for Bone Marrow Disease 2009
The 5th Annual "Our Hike" for Bone Marrow Disease!
On September 12, 2009, we held our 5th Annual "Our Hike" for Bone Marrow Disease. It was another great time! My mom and I always get super-stressed out and worry ourselves crazy that nobody will come -- but people always do! And we have quite a few dedicated faces we see year after year, and it's always WONDERFUL to see new friends join the "Our Hike" family, too!
Don't miss out on any fun next year!! Mark your calendars now -- September 11, 2010!
Don't miss out on any fun next year!! Mark your calendars now -- September 11, 2010!
So first - a GREAT BIG THANK YOU to all those that came along and hiked with us! Thanks to all those that joined us at the Corner Connection for the registration, meat raffle, lunch and backpack raffle (congrats to Linda Lou who won the backpack full of camping goodies). It was great to see such a big turnout for our spaghetti dinner and raffles at Lost Vega's, too. We had lots of people come out just to hike, just to get in on the dinner special, just the evening music and raffles, or for all of it! That's what is so fun about this event -- you can kind of choose your adventure! Of course, I recommend getting in on all of the fun... you just never know what you're going to miss (see picture of Keith in the burning boat below! tee-hee)
I will also mention a big THANK YOU to all of our volunteers and helpers... to those like Josh, who showed up at my parents house Friday night and helped load raffle baskets into the car, the local businesses that participated (Corner Connection and Lost Vega's for the start and finish), Adam for MC'ing, Orien (I work with him at 4imprint) for borrowing us his time and equipment to put together some awesome radio ads, Kenny for driving the haywagon, Karen for donating so many huge baskets to raffle, Lee for helping with organizing and money-handling, Sarah for helping sell paddles, all of our outstanding family and friends that helped with odds and ends along the way, all those that donated prizes for raffles... the list could go on! Just know we appreciate each and every one of you -- and on behalf of all Bone Marrow Disease patients, their friends and their families -- we couldn't do all this without you!
"Our Hike" hikers on the new Georgetown ATV trail)
A quick recap of the day --
It turned out to be a really nice day in the Northwoods along the newest section of the Georgetown ATV trail. We had about 30 hikers, I think... and some gorgeous late-summer/early-fall weather. Slightly cool, but still warm enough to wear shorts -- and the only place I ran into skeeters was in the woods when I snuck out to "use the facilities." There were a few leaves starting to turn, so vibrant reds, yellows and oranges JUST started to sprinkle the woods. The trail we hiked was complete this year (last year we had to bushwhack across Carpenter Creek!), so we had a nice huge bridge to walk across.
Participants sporting their "Our Hike" goodies. Bandannas and Sport packs!
This is the new bridge across Carpenter Creek.
Once hikers reached Lost Vega's after a wonderful 7-mile hike, we all rested and rehydrated. Then dinner was served! We all enjoyed some yummy spaghetti and meatballs while Mom, Lee, Adam, Sarah and I started running some raffles! The night fun continued with more and more raffles -- we had huge themed baskets of guy stuff like tools and car kits, girl stuff like holiday-themed decorations and kitchen stuff, kids baskets full of toys, baskets full of baby stuff, and a bunch more! We had grandma's homemade breads, Holly's chocolate pies, a homemade cribbage board, Mom's ginormous crocheted sock monkey, my original monoprints, gift cards... just a whole slew of different stuff! There's always something for everyone!!
Later in the evening, the band Spitfire set up and started to play some music. We had a fun time visiting, dancing and we even ran more raffles during the band's breaks! The fun normally goes late into the night. :)
Thank you, volunteers, donors and participants. We hope to see you next year on September 11, 2010! And keep your eyes open -- we might be changing things up a bit! It's going to be a blast!
Oh, did I mention something about Keith (my dad) sitting in a burning boat?! As promised:
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
A weird, “out-of-sorts” weekend
I don’t really like posting entries like this one. I enjoy posting the fun, adventurous stories… but I suppose not every day can be perfect, right? So I’m going to get it off my chest -- I have been in a serious “funk” lately. I have some leads on what might be bothering me, and I’m going over and over all of the possibilities and trying to come up with ways to test them and fix them. I’m struggling with it, though. I’ve woken up to a headache and tears a few times in the past couple of weeks, and had a really hard time last weekend that was sort of a breaking point for me. But the good news is that my experience from last weekend has pushed me to ask God for help, and He showed up stronger than I think I’ve ever felt Him. It was a very personal, emotional time. I wish I was more comfortable sharing my spiritual experiences in more detail, but I’m not there yet. This alone is a big step for me. One day I’ll openly and confidently talk about it. But that experience is one that I try to remember when I fall into a slump, and it always picks me up a little bit.
“Break me down and build me back up.”
I think I’m still a little bit in the “break me down” part, but I need to remember this is a process. I have some mind-clearing and soul-fixing to do. It’s actually a little exciting to think about potential progress, and I think I’m going in the right direction with it. I pray that I am, anyway.
So, about last weekend -- it was a very strange time for me. This was one of those situations where if I told my parents about it, they would feel my forehead and say, “are you feeling okay?” Well, I wasn’t and that was the problem. I didn’t know why, but I just wasn’t.
The “plan” was to head to Mauthe Lake Campground Friday night after work and camp. I was going to get up at 3:30 AM, have breakfast and coffee, hydrate myself, get dressed, throw on my day pack and hit the trail by 5:00 AM and hike 50 miles. Then I started to think about the ½ marathon coming up, and I was nervous about pushing 50 miles at this point in my training, so I backed it off to 32 miles. I just wasn’t mentally prepared to hike 50 miles. By Friday I was already backing the 32 off to 20 miles, and I realized that I just wasn’t at all excited about it. That was the first sign that something was “off.” I normally get overly giddy with excitement about camping, hiking, hitting the trail – whatever the adventure may be. That was missing and it not only concerned me, it made me sad. I missed it!
I left work early Friday, and got to my campsite at about 5:30 PM. I set up my tent and got my gear ready for the hike Saturday morning. Then I left my site for a little bit and went down the road to a little store for some batteries, Jiffy Pop and an ice cream cone. When I got back I started a little campfire, made myself some tortellini mixed with a chicken noodle side in my Jetboil and thought about making my Jiffy Pop. Then I started to hear some rumbling in the distance. I gave Adam a quick call to check the weather. When I checked it earlier that day, it looked like it was only going to be partly cloudy. Adam confirmed that a line of red on the radar screen was headed right for me. I decided to wait on the Jiffy Pop.
I got my toothbrush and head towards the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and washed my hands, and when I stepped out the door, I noticed the clouds in the dark sky were looking pretty mean, and it was just starting to rain a little. I hurried back to my site, grabbed a few things from my car and got into the tent. I set my watch alarm for 3:30 and laid there listening to the thunder and the rain on my tent until it lulled me right to sleep.
My alarm woke me up at 3:30. I quickly turned it off. I noticed it wasn’t raining any more, but I didn’t care. I laid there feeling no energy in me whatsoever. I felt as dark inside as it was outside. I curled back up in my sleeping bag and fell asleep. I woke up again at about 4:30, rolled over and fell asleep again. Then at 5:30 I did the same… and 6:30. Finally at 7:00 AM I heard other campers rumbling around. I started to get up, but my clothing-in-a-stuffsack pillow was so perfectly comfortable that I laid my head back down and slept until 7:30. I finally got up and crawled out of my tent – but I think that was only because I felt the need to stroll down to the bathroom.
I will brush over a lot of the details here, but I got back to my site, started my Jetboil, made coffee and oatmeal and just wasn’t feeling right. I didn’t feel like hiking. The trail was RIGHT there and I didn’t want it. This was the point where I KNEW something wasn’t right with me. I started to cry. I was this pathetic shell of a being, all by myself, sitting at a picnic table at a campsite in a huge, overcrowded public campground, balling my eyes out. I texted Adam and told him I was thinking about coming home. Shortly later, I texted him again and told him I was surely coming home. I finished my breakfast, packed up and left. I drove straight home, crying the whole way.
You can ask, “What was wrong?” and I couldn’t tell you. I still can’t. That’s where I’m struggling. I’m trying to figure it out. I felt this coming on during the whole week and held it back even ignoring it pretty well. I can still feel it this week, but that morning at that picnic table and the drive home gave me a lot of time to settle down and be with my thoughts. So I think that was rock-bottom – I can only really go up from there!
So… I’m including this in my blog to get it off my chest and give myself something to reflect on when I need to remind myself that I am not invincible. I’ve got my flaws, and they are okay. I need my imperfections as much as I need motivation. I need to embrace them and love them and be okay with them. I just need to learn how to let them be what they are naturally. I’d like to actually wear them with confidence. I need to work on this. That is a hard thing to teach oneself to do. This probably sounds like a bunch of rambling… and it probably is. :)
I’m not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me or to worry about me. I’m perfectly okay, and I’m actually at a really good stage as I’m writing this – even though it’s difficult – I’m starting to think it’s really good for me. It’s bringing me back to the basics. What do I need and what do I not need? What is surface and what is real? Why do I want the things I want? Do I need them? I’ve got a lot of very broad questions that I’m analyzing the answers of until I’m physically tired of thinking. This might sound crazy, but I feel like I’m emptying myself out from my very core so I can start over with a better foundation. Will I be successful? Probably not fully, but it can’t hurt to try. There’s some work to do.
“Break me down and build me back up.”
Oh, and it turns out that the weekend wasn’t a total flop... When I got home I cleaned like a madwoman, organized some areas in our apartment I’d been neglecting, enjoyed watching UFC with Adam and friends Saturday night, went to church Sunday and shared on a nice pot luck after the service for our Vicar, got home, rearranged and cleaned the bedroom and read a little of my homework. It’s not what I had planned, but it was certainly productive, anyway.
“Break me down and build me back up.”
I think I’m still a little bit in the “break me down” part, but I need to remember this is a process. I have some mind-clearing and soul-fixing to do. It’s actually a little exciting to think about potential progress, and I think I’m going in the right direction with it. I pray that I am, anyway.
So, about last weekend -- it was a very strange time for me. This was one of those situations where if I told my parents about it, they would feel my forehead and say, “are you feeling okay?” Well, I wasn’t and that was the problem. I didn’t know why, but I just wasn’t.
The “plan” was to head to Mauthe Lake Campground Friday night after work and camp. I was going to get up at 3:30 AM, have breakfast and coffee, hydrate myself, get dressed, throw on my day pack and hit the trail by 5:00 AM and hike 50 miles. Then I started to think about the ½ marathon coming up, and I was nervous about pushing 50 miles at this point in my training, so I backed it off to 32 miles. I just wasn’t mentally prepared to hike 50 miles. By Friday I was already backing the 32 off to 20 miles, and I realized that I just wasn’t at all excited about it. That was the first sign that something was “off.” I normally get overly giddy with excitement about camping, hiking, hitting the trail – whatever the adventure may be. That was missing and it not only concerned me, it made me sad. I missed it!
I left work early Friday, and got to my campsite at about 5:30 PM. I set up my tent and got my gear ready for the hike Saturday morning. Then I left my site for a little bit and went down the road to a little store for some batteries, Jiffy Pop and an ice cream cone. When I got back I started a little campfire, made myself some tortellini mixed with a chicken noodle side in my Jetboil and thought about making my Jiffy Pop. Then I started to hear some rumbling in the distance. I gave Adam a quick call to check the weather. When I checked it earlier that day, it looked like it was only going to be partly cloudy. Adam confirmed that a line of red on the radar screen was headed right for me. I decided to wait on the Jiffy Pop.
I got my toothbrush and head towards the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and washed my hands, and when I stepped out the door, I noticed the clouds in the dark sky were looking pretty mean, and it was just starting to rain a little. I hurried back to my site, grabbed a few things from my car and got into the tent. I set my watch alarm for 3:30 and laid there listening to the thunder and the rain on my tent until it lulled me right to sleep.
My alarm woke me up at 3:30. I quickly turned it off. I noticed it wasn’t raining any more, but I didn’t care. I laid there feeling no energy in me whatsoever. I felt as dark inside as it was outside. I curled back up in my sleeping bag and fell asleep. I woke up again at about 4:30, rolled over and fell asleep again. Then at 5:30 I did the same… and 6:30. Finally at 7:00 AM I heard other campers rumbling around. I started to get up, but my clothing-in-a-stuffsack pillow was so perfectly comfortable that I laid my head back down and slept until 7:30. I finally got up and crawled out of my tent – but I think that was only because I felt the need to stroll down to the bathroom.
I will brush over a lot of the details here, but I got back to my site, started my Jetboil, made coffee and oatmeal and just wasn’t feeling right. I didn’t feel like hiking. The trail was RIGHT there and I didn’t want it. This was the point where I KNEW something wasn’t right with me. I started to cry. I was this pathetic shell of a being, all by myself, sitting at a picnic table at a campsite in a huge, overcrowded public campground, balling my eyes out. I texted Adam and told him I was thinking about coming home. Shortly later, I texted him again and told him I was surely coming home. I finished my breakfast, packed up and left. I drove straight home, crying the whole way.
You can ask, “What was wrong?” and I couldn’t tell you. I still can’t. That’s where I’m struggling. I’m trying to figure it out. I felt this coming on during the whole week and held it back even ignoring it pretty well. I can still feel it this week, but that morning at that picnic table and the drive home gave me a lot of time to settle down and be with my thoughts. So I think that was rock-bottom – I can only really go up from there!
So… I’m including this in my blog to get it off my chest and give myself something to reflect on when I need to remind myself that I am not invincible. I’ve got my flaws, and they are okay. I need my imperfections as much as I need motivation. I need to embrace them and love them and be okay with them. I just need to learn how to let them be what they are naturally. I’d like to actually wear them with confidence. I need to work on this. That is a hard thing to teach oneself to do. This probably sounds like a bunch of rambling… and it probably is. :)
I’m not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me or to worry about me. I’m perfectly okay, and I’m actually at a really good stage as I’m writing this – even though it’s difficult – I’m starting to think it’s really good for me. It’s bringing me back to the basics. What do I need and what do I not need? What is surface and what is real? Why do I want the things I want? Do I need them? I’ve got a lot of very broad questions that I’m analyzing the answers of until I’m physically tired of thinking. This might sound crazy, but I feel like I’m emptying myself out from my very core so I can start over with a better foundation. Will I be successful? Probably not fully, but it can’t hurt to try. There’s some work to do.
“Break me down and build me back up.”
Oh, and it turns out that the weekend wasn’t a total flop... When I got home I cleaned like a madwoman, organized some areas in our apartment I’d been neglecting, enjoyed watching UFC with Adam and friends Saturday night, went to church Sunday and shared on a nice pot luck after the service for our Vicar, got home, rearranged and cleaned the bedroom and read a little of my homework. It’s not what I had planned, but it was certainly productive, anyway.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Tahoe Rim Trail Journal
It's been almost a month since I finished my thru-hike on the TRT -- and my journal is finally done! You can view the whole thing on Trailjournals.com. I've got a journal entry from every day we were on the trail (with a couple of prep days and afterthoughts), lots of photos and my gear list. Play around -- it's a really cool site!
The four of us became official 165-Mile Club Members when we finished the trail, and we were recognized by the Tahoe Rim Trail Association for our accomplishment. Pretty cool stuff... Check out this link to see our names listed on their site!
Robin Grapa #896
Keith Laatsch #912
Patty Laatsch #913
Leo Cepoi #914
P.S. If you enjoyed reading my Tahoe Rim Trail journal, you can link to my 2006 ADT journal from Trailjournals and give that a read, too!
For more information on the Tahoe Rim Trail, please visit the TRTA website. It's a great organization, and they have a great site. Check it out!!
Friday, August 7, 2009
...June...
Well, I'm still working on getting my TRT journal typed up, so meanwhile, it's catch-up time.
It seems like forever ago already, but I think that most of my time spent in June was mostly waiting for July to roll around. I was starting to get really excited for Tahoe... buying miscellaneous pieces of gear and clothing bits for the trip that I needed, and waiting... waiting... and waiting some more... but June was still a cool month for sure.
One of the my favorite parts of June every single year is the 9th. That's my and Adam's wedding anniversary! We were married on June 9, 2001 in Phillips, WI. It was a really fun wedding and reception (of course I would think so!). Our wedding lasted about 15 minutes in the small, packed Presbyterian Church (I'm Lutheran now). The reception was at the Northwoods Supper Club in Fifield (north of Phillips). For any of you that have ever drive up north on Hwy. 13, it's the place with the HUGE deer in front of it. Adam and closed the place down with a ton of family and friends - we were all dancing and just having a great time! Good, good memories!!
...so, 8 years later, here we are as different as we could ever be, but still in love and always working on challenges that come our way. There's never a dull moment, that's for sure! It amazes me how different two people can be, yet still have such a strong bond to each other. I LOVE YOU, ADAM. SO SO MUCH!!!
Another thing I did in June was something new -- I went on a paddling trip with some new friends I met through participating in the Frozen Otter Trek, put on by the Fat Otter Adventure Racing Team. I guess Rod puts this trip on annually, and ooooh, it was FUN!! It was on the Wisconsin River between Sauk City and Spring Green, and it was an overnighter -- the plan was to camp on a sandbar along the way! Sweet! Lots of people went, so there were a whole bunch of canoes and 3 kayaks, me in one of the kayaks.
It was a funny situation preparing for the trip... I joined this trip on my own, so I was going to be meeting a bunch of new people (which I was nervous about, but everyone was so awesome!!), so I originally planned to take my own kayak -- I'd never done an overnighter with my little kayak, so I packed as little as I possibly could, since I had to strap everything to my boat. Then Rod called and said one guy needed a canoe partner and asked if I would mind teaming up with him. I was up for it -- and besides, I thought, "Ooooh, now I can bring a big cooler! Full of good bevvies!" And with that change of plans, I left my kayak home (I thought about strapping it on my car just in case... but decided not to because I didn't want to leave it out for the whole 2 days unattended).
So I went just myself and camped the night before at a campground across the street from the launch. The morning rolled around and I met the group across the street, and my canoe partner didn't show up, so I ended up taking a kayak anyway! Which was totally fine... Rod and a couple others were great and took some of the extra gear I'd packed (including my cooler), so everything worked out just fine. I had a freakin' blast in that kayak... I ended up having to rent one, but it was very similar to mine... I was happy about that, especially because now I know that I can do an overnighter in my "Sharkbait" boat. :)
We had perfect weather, everybody was very friendly and FUN, and camping on the sand was awesome! Oh!! We paddled past Mazo Beach... for anyone in Wisconsin, or in the Sauk City area, they know that Mazo Beach is famous for it's... nudes. It's an actual nude beach in Wisconsin! I heard that it wasn't necessarily underwear models hanging out there, so veer in the other direction if we so choose... but with something SO unique... I could not resist. I had to check this out. So when we approached the beach, I paddled right up to it. The people were all very nice!! And very naked. ;) It was an experience I will never forget (I stayed fully clothed, by the way!). The camping was fun. We all drank a bunch and a few of us crazy die-hards stayed up REALLY late eating lots of smores and goofing off. It was a beautiful night, and when we woke up you couldn't even see the river because there was a gorgeous thick layer of fog over the entire thing. It was just all-in-all a great weekend. I hope to make the next one! :)
At the end of June was Country USA. Last year was our first year there... we were invited by our good friends, Anne & Craig. This is how we met other good friends, Kevin & Shannon. We had a ton of fun last year, so we were sure to join again for this year. We were sad to find out that Kevin & Shannon weren't able to make it, so we missed them terribly, but we still had a few for them and were sure to have a good time. Adam and I had a pretty screwed up schedule the whole week with things going on, so we actually ended up not going to any of the shows -- we saved $80by not going, actually... we just got there so late a couple of the nights that it didn't make sense to pay that much for an hour or two... so we'd hang out at the campsite and wait for the others to get back from the concerts. In all honesty, Country USA is about music, friends, camping, drinking, and getting a little wild. A couple of night we stayed up all night and watched the sun come up. It's a different atmosphere there... you go to bed when the sun comes UP. But let me tell you... it took at least a week for me to recover from all that! Only once a year... that's all I can do. :) We're looking forward to next year, now, too. Craig hooked Adam up with a battery that runs his CPAP machine, so we can sleep in their camper on the grounds, which is awesome. And next year Toby Keith is going to be there. I LOVE Toby Keith. ;)
I think that was it for June. You know, I'm thinking I missed a few things in there, because I know I was doing stuff every weekend this summer (my calendar is FULL), and that doesn't cover every weekend... but anyway... it was a great month. Before I knew it, July was here and I was smiling from ear to ear!
It seems like forever ago already, but I think that most of my time spent in June was mostly waiting for July to roll around. I was starting to get really excited for Tahoe... buying miscellaneous pieces of gear and clothing bits for the trip that I needed, and waiting... waiting... and waiting some more... but June was still a cool month for sure.
One of the my favorite parts of June every single year is the 9th. That's my and Adam's wedding anniversary! We were married on June 9, 2001 in Phillips, WI. It was a really fun wedding and reception (of course I would think so!). Our wedding lasted about 15 minutes in the small, packed Presbyterian Church (I'm Lutheran now). The reception was at the Northwoods Supper Club in Fifield (north of Phillips). For any of you that have ever drive up north on Hwy. 13, it's the place with the HUGE deer in front of it. Adam and closed the place down with a ton of family and friends - we were all dancing and just having a great time! Good, good memories!!
Adam and Robin Grapa - June 9, 2001
...so, 8 years later, here we are as different as we could ever be, but still in love and always working on challenges that come our way. There's never a dull moment, that's for sure! It amazes me how different two people can be, yet still have such a strong bond to each other. I LOVE YOU, ADAM. SO SO MUCH!!!
Wisconsin River Paddle Group
Another thing I did in June was something new -- I went on a paddling trip with some new friends I met through participating in the Frozen Otter Trek, put on by the Fat Otter Adventure Racing Team. I guess Rod puts this trip on annually, and ooooh, it was FUN!! It was on the Wisconsin River between Sauk City and Spring Green, and it was an overnighter -- the plan was to camp on a sandbar along the way! Sweet! Lots of people went, so there were a whole bunch of canoes and 3 kayaks, me in one of the kayaks.
It was a funny situation preparing for the trip... I joined this trip on my own, so I was going to be meeting a bunch of new people (which I was nervous about, but everyone was so awesome!!), so I originally planned to take my own kayak -- I'd never done an overnighter with my little kayak, so I packed as little as I possibly could, since I had to strap everything to my boat. Then Rod called and said one guy needed a canoe partner and asked if I would mind teaming up with him. I was up for it -- and besides, I thought, "Ooooh, now I can bring a big cooler! Full of good bevvies!" And with that change of plans, I left my kayak home (I thought about strapping it on my car just in case... but decided not to because I didn't want to leave it out for the whole 2 days unattended).
So I went just myself and camped the night before at a campground across the street from the launch. The morning rolled around and I met the group across the street, and my canoe partner didn't show up, so I ended up taking a kayak anyway! Which was totally fine... Rod and a couple others were great and took some of the extra gear I'd packed (including my cooler), so everything worked out just fine. I had a freakin' blast in that kayak... I ended up having to rent one, but it was very similar to mine... I was happy about that, especially because now I know that I can do an overnighter in my "Sharkbait" boat. :)
We had perfect weather, everybody was very friendly and FUN, and camping on the sand was awesome! Oh!! We paddled past Mazo Beach... for anyone in Wisconsin, or in the Sauk City area, they know that Mazo Beach is famous for it's... nudes. It's an actual nude beach in Wisconsin! I heard that it wasn't necessarily underwear models hanging out there, so veer in the other direction if we so choose... but with something SO unique... I could not resist. I had to check this out. So when we approached the beach, I paddled right up to it. The people were all very nice!! And very naked. ;) It was an experience I will never forget (I stayed fully clothed, by the way!). The camping was fun. We all drank a bunch and a few of us crazy die-hards stayed up REALLY late eating lots of smores and goofing off. It was a beautiful night, and when we woke up you couldn't even see the river because there was a gorgeous thick layer of fog over the entire thing. It was just all-in-all a great weekend. I hope to make the next one! :)
Typical "stupid-Robin" look on my face. :)
At the end of June was Country USA. Last year was our first year there... we were invited by our good friends, Anne & Craig. This is how we met other good friends, Kevin & Shannon. We had a ton of fun last year, so we were sure to join again for this year. We were sad to find out that Kevin & Shannon weren't able to make it, so we missed them terribly, but we still had a few for them and were sure to have a good time. Adam and I had a pretty screwed up schedule the whole week with things going on, so we actually ended up not going to any of the shows -- we saved $80by not going, actually... we just got there so late a couple of the nights that it didn't make sense to pay that much for an hour or two... so we'd hang out at the campsite and wait for the others to get back from the concerts. In all honesty, Country USA is about music, friends, camping, drinking, and getting a little wild. A couple of night we stayed up all night and watched the sun come up. It's a different atmosphere there... you go to bed when the sun comes UP. But let me tell you... it took at least a week for me to recover from all that! Only once a year... that's all I can do. :) We're looking forward to next year, now, too. Craig hooked Adam up with a battery that runs his CPAP machine, so we can sleep in their camper on the grounds, which is awesome. And next year Toby Keith is going to be there. I LOVE Toby Keith. ;)
I think that was it for June. You know, I'm thinking I missed a few things in there, because I know I was doing stuff every weekend this summer (my calendar is FULL), and that doesn't cover every weekend... but anyway... it was a great month. Before I knew it, July was here and I was smiling from ear to ear!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
A fun May 2009!
Yeah... so... I'm catching up on my blog. Obviously, hey? I'm talking May here!! But I've got to start posting my journal from my most recent adventure, which was thru-hiking the Tahoe Rim Trail. But being that I'm sort of anal about some things, I have to "catch up" so I don't have so much missing time in between. A lot's happened in May and June, so I thought I'd take a minute to do a quick recap. Then onto the TRT journal. That'll probably come in chunks, too, since I actually kept my journal in a notebook and am spending time transferring to a digital format.
May, May, May!! I had a really fun and busy May! A 1-year-old birthday party for Jamie & Eric's little Alex, a long road-hike to High Cliff State Park with a full backpack (31.55 miles - just me and my iPod), a Blue October concert, our good friends Kevin & Shannon got married (very fun wedding!), I took my first-ever road-bike with some great friends one Sunday afternoon (fell in love with the sport -- now I need to save for a bike!), took a nice 3-day hike over Memorial Day weekend on the North Country Trail, and had another great Annual Canoe Trip the last weekend in Phillips.
One thing sorta' didn't work out, though. I was supposed to start my training for a full marathon in the 2nd week of May, but I had a couple things get in my way. I really hate excuses, and it makes my stomach turn to even talk about it (because I get so mad at myself for it!), but at the time I rationalized these excuses. Some are actually pretty good reasons not to run, but others were probably just excuses, plain and simple. Week 1 I was finishing up final projects for my classes at FVTC [excuse]. That Friday I took my 31.55-mile road hike and beat up my left foot, so even after trying to exercise on it, quickly realized it needed some good rest, so Week 2 was out for injury [reasonable reason not to run]. Week 3 I got a nasty, nasty cold that left me in a state of constant fatigue that reminded me of when I had Aplastic Anemia [reasonable reason not to run]. SO glad that passed! Then week 4 was between my Memorial Day hike and the Canoe Trip [excuse]. So I guess I would've missed 2 weeks and probably would've been behind anyway. I'm still bummed that I had to make that decision. I have created a backup plan, which I'm pretty happy with... it just involves running another 1/2 marathon in September to keep me in good running shape, then shooting for the full marathon next year. Maybe in the spring.
May, May, May!! I had a really fun and busy May! A 1-year-old birthday party for Jamie & Eric's little Alex, a long road-hike to High Cliff State Park with a full backpack (31.55 miles - just me and my iPod), a Blue October concert, our good friends Kevin & Shannon got married (very fun wedding!), I took my first-ever road-bike with some great friends one Sunday afternoon (fell in love with the sport -- now I need to save for a bike!), took a nice 3-day hike over Memorial Day weekend on the North Country Trail, and had another great Annual Canoe Trip the last weekend in Phillips.
One thing sorta' didn't work out, though. I was supposed to start my training for a full marathon in the 2nd week of May, but I had a couple things get in my way. I really hate excuses, and it makes my stomach turn to even talk about it (because I get so mad at myself for it!), but at the time I rationalized these excuses. Some are actually pretty good reasons not to run, but others were probably just excuses, plain and simple. Week 1 I was finishing up final projects for my classes at FVTC [excuse]. That Friday I took my 31.55-mile road hike and beat up my left foot, so even after trying to exercise on it, quickly realized it needed some good rest, so Week 2 was out for injury [reasonable reason not to run]. Week 3 I got a nasty, nasty cold that left me in a state of constant fatigue that reminded me of when I had Aplastic Anemia [reasonable reason not to run]. SO glad that passed! Then week 4 was between my Memorial Day hike and the Canoe Trip [excuse]. So I guess I would've missed 2 weeks and probably would've been behind anyway. I'm still bummed that I had to make that decision. I have created a backup plan, which I'm pretty happy with... it just involves running another 1/2 marathon in September to keep me in good running shape, then shooting for the full marathon next year. Maybe in the spring.
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