The winds of change

The winds of change are coming. It’s actually a whirlwind, to be more specific. At least that’s the way it feels inside of me. I’ve always had these dreams of all these different things I wanted to do before I died – I even made a list. Well, I’m starting to let go of that a little bit. I’m not deleting that file, and I never will, but I’m starting to accept that... well, these are things to work towards and dream about and smile when I think about them, but not get overly sad when I realize they aren’t going to work out. I may never climb Mt. Everest. That’s okay. If the opportunity came up, I don’t know that I could turn it down, but I think the decision to lighten up on my gigantuan dream list came down to the fact that I don’t think I’ve got the time to completely change my life each time I want to complete just one item listed.

The first wind came from one direction and turned me completely around. I decided I wanted to ground myself. I’m still not quite sure where that would be, but I’m feeling the “need” to feel of permanent residence somewhere. I’ve lived in the Oshkosh area for quite a few years now, but I still just don’t feel “grounded” here. If this is where Adam and I decide to plant our feet and let the roots grow, great. If not, great. I really don’t care either way. As long as in the next few years we can at least work towards finding that place… wherever it might be. We may even have to go out on a limb and try somewhere new to only end up right back here again. I really don’t know, and it doesn’t matter. Life is like that, and that’s why I’m okay with the direction this wind is taking me. There’s still an awful lot of that good ol’ fun unknown to play with.

And of course it doesn't stop there. Just as I thought about this new wind of change, another wind came in and turned me back around. It started when I clicked "play" on an itunes playlist on that I haven’t listened to in a while. I was looking for something calming and relaxing, so I chose my "Lake Tahoe Music" 7and5 playlist. The first beat rang into my head and I was suddenly laying in my Hubba tent under the stars somewhere on the Tahoe Rim Trail. My heart started to beat faster, and I got an aching cramp in the entire upper portion of my torso. I love backpacking and being in the wide-open outside. I love it so much it hurts. When I sit and think about it hard enough it makes me nauseous. It’s strangely sort of a good thing, I guess... because I can put myself somewhere so easily in my mind. I can smell the air, feel the breeze and the openness all around me. I can hear the leaves in the trees and my footsteps on the ground as I watch the scenery change as I walk by it. In my mind I can put myself back there. It's not as great as actually being there, but sometimes it's the closest I can get. On the flip side of that, I ache and ache to be out there RIGHT NOW. I'm just clawing at the future trying to cling on to even one or two new adventurous trips.

This is why it’s a whirlwind. I guess it’s just coming in strong from both directions. I mean STRONG, too. I feel a change coming from this, and it feels big, but I really have no idea which way it's gonna go. There's so many different factors that play into both sides. But this unknown is pretty exciting. Either way I go, I will have to set aside one dream to dedicate myself to another, but either way it's going to be great. So if I just relax, get comfortable and let the wind take me where it wants me, all will end the way it’s supposed to. Right? …sigh… who knows!?

So… with all that craziness said, what’s next? Well, in a nutshell… HAH! I don’t friggin’ know!! But since I haven’t blogged in forever I can write a little about what’s happened… I went on a super-rainy weekend backpacking overnighter in the Porkies in early October with the Fox Cities backpacking group – my mom, dad and friend Justin came along, so that was awesome. It was a miserably cold and wet weekend, but in the end a great adventure and tons of fun, as always.

I’ve been focusing a lot of my energy and time on training for the Frozen Otter (January 16-17). I’ll be blogging about that for sure. The Frozen Otter is always a highlight of my year. It's a great way to see where I'm at for the year, remind myself that I am a tough chick and thank God for that strength (there's lots of time to talk with Him in those 24 hours!!). I might be tough, but I don't get through that alone. No way. If I get a minute, I’d like to write a bunch about my training so I can look back at it next year and improve on it… but mostly I’ve been working out as much as I can -- including long workouts on the weekends, and long hikes when I can. I plan to get one in this Saturday, actually. And it just snowed a foot last night, so it’ll be a good training hike for sure! In November I did an overnight 32-mile hike in under 10 hours with Melissa, whom I met at the Frozen Otter a few years back. That was really cool, too. I had some knee troubles, so I’m doing some exercises recommended to me by a sports therapist, so hopefully that helps.

November also brought hunting season and Thanksgiving. I did get a deer this year – a little nubby buck the Sunday of opening weekend. There’s venison in my freezer, so I’m certainly happy about that. And the time I got to spend with my dad and brother (and uncles and other family) was absolutely amazing. I don't see my brother much (which I have no excuse for - he lives in Green Bay), but spending that week with him was... well, really cool. I don't really have a lot of words for it. I'm just thankful for that time. Hunting season and Thanksgiving is one of my favorite times of year for sure. And the icing on the cake this year was that Adam was there for almost the whole week, too. So I got to see quite a lot of him. I wasn't great company since I was always pooped from hunting, but it was still nice to cuddle up next to him at night and see him at least. :)

December’s been a rough month so far. I had some things stolen out of my backpack at the YMCA while I was working out last Wednesday. It’s really bothering me, and I’m going through all kinds of stages of crazy. It started with immediate embarrassment. I simply should've had my stuff locked up. I didn't even want to tell anyone. The only person I can blame is myself, really. I felt so stupid. That night I cried and cried. Then a few days later I started to feel angry and bitter. I was hoping I wouldn’t get to that point, but I figured it was just part of the process. I feel less trusting now, more paranoid… so that's all kinda’ sucky. But I’m getting over it slowly with the occasional gut-ache. I do really miss my iPod. I bought it for myself as a reward after losing 60 pounds back in 2005, and I had in on the hike with me… it still has playlists that I chose while hiking the ADT, so letting go of that is really hard. I just pray that whoever took my stuff is using it for something good – like Christmas presents for their family or something. Wishful thinking, I know, but it’s the only peace of mind I can find. Despite my embarrassment, I’ve told as many people about it as I can – not to wait until they have something stolen to lock up their stuff. I mean, it is just “stuff” that can be replaced, but I never thought about the terrible mental game you end up going through. If I can get someone else to avoid going through what I'm going through now, then there’s another peace of mind. But really, why do people do that!? ...I guess I'm still just a wee bit in the bitter stage yet, but working my way out of it...

Another kind of bummer thing about early December, is that one year ago on December 6 we had to put out kitty down. Rocko was only 7 years old, but he got a tummy cancer that grew so fast there was nothing we could do. I love the other two cats we have now, but Rocko was the coolest cat ever. I miss him as much now as I did the day we let him go. Love and miss ya’ Rocko bud!

A shimmer of light in my December so far (literally!), is this past Saturday I ran the Race for the Light 5K and hit a personal record… somehow. I haven’t been running much, but I ran that thing in 25:27!! That’s the fastest I’ve ever run 3.2 miles! I was thrilled! It was a cool run, too. We started at 5PM and ran through Oshkosh's Celebration of Lights, which is at Menominee Park -- everything is decorated for Christmas and there's a TON of lights. It was really neat to run through that.

So that lands me here. Just working on hanging on, trying to make big decisions about 2010… will I ever get that book written? I wanna... just cannot seem to find the time. Trying to prepare for Christmas… getting over some emotional dealios with things that have happened this year... especially missing good friendships that fade out, family that's passed, and some realities that are scary... normal stuff, I suppose. Just as everyone else around the holidays, there’s a lot of stressors in my world right now, but I’m just plugging away at it all one day and one thing at a time.

If you read my blog and keep up on it, it might be interesting to see where these winds take me in 2010 and 2011. I don’t even have any idea what’s gonna happen this next year, but hopefully it’s something worth reading about!